Jacksonville

If you're looking for the blog entry about Cologne, it's one down. This one's mostly about soccer.

I thought about doing another travel blog here. Then I got to Gainesville and Jacksonville. Let me summarize. Each is a sprawling metropolis made almost entirely of one story buildings and strip malls. It looks a lot like what I'd expect of Hell except I can't help but think that perhaps Hell would look more interesting.

As far as the game, damn, Scotland sucks. Seriously, they are very bad. Having said that, you can only beat the team that shows up to play you. While it is debatable as to whether or not Scotland actually showed up, the United States certainly did. While I was not excited about the new US coach, Jurgen Klinsmann, when he was hired, I have never seen the US play like that. Landon Donovan scored three, Jermaine Jones scored one and Michael Bradley scored one very memorable goal indeed. They also passed very well. That was weird.

It's only one game. Statistics and better judgement say we'll know slightly more tomorrow when we (I say we as a fan, get off me) play Brazil. We could be in for a very big disappointment. However, we were missing our second best player, at least one player was injured and several others were unavailable due, more than likely, to decisions make by Mr. Klinsmann which did not relate to their current on-field form. The real question then is how do we get all the players that look as though they deserve to play on the field at the same time. It's a good problem to have. Later ya'll, beat Brazil and Timmy Chandler sucks.

Cologne

If Paris in the Summer is for lovers, then Munich in late September is for drunks. If Munich is for drunks then Prague is for drunks with a more sophisticated palette. And if Prague is for the high class drunk, then Cologne is probably for the costumed child in each of us; granted, a child on a sugar rush and covered in finger paint, but you understand. It is a strange city but a ton of fun nonetheless. It's home to the largest Carnival celebration in Germany, and most of the country's television industry, including a cartoon mouse that is sort of a mute Elmo or Big Bird. He can make a door to nowhere out of his tail. Trust me, I've seen him do it.

The first thing I saw of Cologne proper upon my arrival was the Cologne Dom (translation: a Cathedral but different somehow because Germans subclassify everything (explanation: Germans need classifications and rules like my family need booze at Christmas (side note: I like parentheses))). I got off the train from Siegen and immediately outside the station was the Dom. Looking at the Cologne Cathedral (that's what I'm calling it now, deal with it) was breathtaking. The size and detail of it is something to behold. It looks almost delicate yet massive; like a castle made intricately carved balsa wood. Notre Dame has nothing on this; crappy football team or French, Catholic landmark. It also has the most terrifying spiral staircase in history of architecture. A white knuckle climb for about five stories. It felt like fifty, but there was an incredible view at the top. Then the walk down the spiral staircase. Sometimes that keeps me up at night. PTSD.

I also saw the EL-DE Haus. My natural inclination when writing one of these is to at least try and say something funny and a little mean. So I'll be brief here. The EL-DE Haus was the former Gestapo Headquarters in Cologne and five minutes in it will make you regret every time you ever called someone Hitler or compared something to Nazi Germany. It is the definition of a dark and terrible place. It is a presupposed superiority taken to its ultimate conclusion. I'm finding it difficult to write any more here without getting sad or angry so I think it's best to move on.

THE COLOGNE MUSTARD MUSEUM!! Despite what the name sounds like, it was pretty cool. Now, I've never been a mustard connoisseur. I can only think of maybe four kinds off the top of my head: Dijon, honey, French's, and Wal-Mart imitation French's. The mustard in the Cologne Mustard Museum is even better than French's. My guide in Cologne, Lisa, was German and she agreed with me. I've never actually wanted to eat straight mustard before but I did there. It was magnificent. I also ate a chocolate truffle filled with mustard. I can't describe what how it tasted but I've never had anything like it; before or since, and it was fairly good. They also had a cool demonstration of how mustard is made. Imagine an episode of “How It's Made” only in German and you're hungry afterward, the narrators voice wasn't eerily calm and you didn't go to sleep while while watching it. Jill, that was for you.

THE LINDT CHOCOLATE MUSEUM!! The first floor sucked because all it talked about was chocolate legislation. That's like going to Disney World to hear about how they implement MPAA ratings. The other levels easily made up for it though. They had a imitation rain forest, cool chocolate sculptures and a room about the history of chocolate advertising. Milke is the only brand in German that can use a certain shade of purple. They copyrighted a color. (Careful Germany. That's damn near American.) There were a lot of other interesting things as well but seeing chocolate being made was the highlight. It's awesome and you learn a lot. For instance, did you know that after standing around for 45 minutes in a chocolate museum with out eating any chocolate you will have consider murder. Seriously. I made a knife. They might need to rethink WHY people come to a chocolate museum.

THE GERMAN SPORTS MUSEUM!! I did not go there. They play two sports. One sport is soccer. There was no need to go to a museum to hear about how good the German national team is. They will tell you. Then they will mock and belittle your team and country. Congratulations, you're very good at soccer. The other sport is handball, a sport that no one else plays. Side note: they make fun of us because we play baseball since, as they say, no one else plays it (excluding South America, Central America, The Caribbean, Asia....). Moving on...

THE DRUNK DUTCH GUY WE WALKED ALL THE WAY BACK TO HIS HOSTEL WHILE HE TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE HATED AMERICANS!! Yeah, I think that pretty much explains that one. He got drunk at a bar and his friends left him. He told me getting upset about that was “American” and implied that was due to my fellow countrymen being predisposed to violence. Side note: It is not uncommon for European sporting events to require upwards of 1000 police officers in riot gear. If Americans are, in fact violent, people like him are the cause.

THE FLEE MARKET ALONG THE RHINE!! I have always liked flee markets. That is to say that I have always liked good flee markets. Too many flee markets become a bad garage sale for old romance novels, Jordache jeans, economy packs of tube socks and mass produced plastic crap.

All of these places and events were interesting and worthwhile in their own ways. That said, Phantasialand was an experience unto itself. First things first, it might be filled with whimsy and wonder but it was still built by Germans. The tagline for the theme park is the terribly clever, “The theme park with the best attractions!” Just rolls off the tongue, right? And there was a persistent storyline about mildly creepy dragons going on the whole time too. Something about them fighting to see who would be the dragon king. I know it sounds cute like an afternoon cartoon but it just came off as weird. Like I said, it is German BUT, it was one of the most creative places I've ever been. I haven't been to Disneyland in many years but I can't imagine that I could be any more impressed with the way they created an atmosphere. There was one area that looked like it straight out of a Zelda game. It felt like a Guillermo del Toro set. No it didn't, it felt like a Guillermo del Torro movie. In one area was a very tall tower. It was built in five foot thick sections stacked on each other. On the bottom each section was a thick turquoise block and a gold eagle on each corner. In the center was a turquoise wooden post with wavy lines carved up its exterior. In a line up one side was a column of vertical wooden gears that rotated, giving the illusion that this is a very large wooden machine. The tower is stacked in the center of a two story room with an opaque ceiling made from something like rice paper and a wooden frame and bracing. At the base were four baskets large enough to comfortably contain four people. When all's clear, the basket rises in the diffuse light emanating from the ceiling and you get a fantastic view the multistory rollercoaster track that circles that room.

Ok, so there was some implied racism in some of the themed areas of the park. The African area was staffed exclusively by black men and women in stereotypical African regalia. They also had an “African” dance number. I have to doubt its authenticity. In the Asian area everyone was wearing conical, Asian hats. I presume this was to look like the popular image of rice paddy workers. Is that unfair? Don't know, I don't get to make that call. Is it wrong to promote images like that for entertainment value? Don't know that either. (Ok, yes.) I would say it wasn't any more racially troubling then some Disney movies. (It was WAY less racist than the “Lion King”. I mean those were some dark ass hyenas. Message of the movie, don't let dark “hyenas” move into your neighborhood.)

But all that aside. It was incredible. It was the sort of place that you want to go to when you visit another country. That's because when you get there you know that it is the sort of place that your country could not create. Why can't we? It isn't in us. Just like a Six Flags isn't in them. And that's what makes it so interesting. And at the end of the day Lisa and I got to watch part of a play about dragons fighting each other for something. That was bizarre.

Till next time friends

Madison